The Wrong Quarry (Max Allan Collins, 2014)

New Quarry novel is always guaranteed fun, but this time it was even more so after going through those two Izzo's books. Ridiculous as it sounds, but even silly shit like the one quoted below was hilarious after those 500+ pages of philosophy and food recipes:

I slid in across of her. "Hope you haven't been waiting long."
"Just long enough to order us a bottle of Chablis. I know you're not supposed to drink red wine with Italian food, but that shit gives me a headache."

*** Warning - spoilers ahead! ***

But it's not very good, I'm sorry to say, at least not compared to some of the other titles of the series. As usual, there are two parts: killing the assassins and discovering the mystery about who ordered the hit. The first part is just too routinely executed. Both in terms of the writing and Quarry's actions. A bit dull and not too imaginative. While this can be overlooked for the killing of the first assassin, who is a boring antique dealer, it's very disappointing that the asshole torturer's (a guy whose definition of Iron Maiden wasn't a heavy metal band) demise is so swift. Especially after some pretty cool build-up to it. Also, everything takes a bit longer to take off.

Second, the detective investigation type part is a mixed bag. It has some good moments (I didn't see Sally's involvement coming at all), but overall it's pretty unconvincing. I mean, Quarry is just not a detective, and I felt a little sorry for a guy walking around this small town pretending to be a newspaper reporter and asking some lame questions. The lowest point of the book is the entire 9th chapter in which our hero goes to a parent-teacher meeting where he interviews a bunch of locals. Horrified to say this, but it almost felt like some AC's Poirot/Marple kind of crap...

But still, it's Quarry and it's fun and it's good to see that Mr. Collins still finds time for his amoral anti-hero.

3/5

Facts:

Hero:
Quarry. In this one, he doesn't even use some other fake name.

Location:
Imaginary (I think) town Stockwell in Missouri that used to be "buggy whip capitol of America". Owned and ran by Stockwell family. We are back in the early 80s when "Reagan hadn't been president long enough for his senility to show (much), and everybody was hurting from the recessions."

Body count: 
4 in the present, 24 in the past

Dames:
Mustang Sally - "Petite but curvy, the kind of cheerleader they reserve for the top of the pyramid." Jenny, the black sheep of the Stockwell family - "One fucked-up dangerous, damn piece of ass." [Fatale]

Blackouts: 
Quarry gets beaten by some jealous gigantic footballer (like Moose in the Archie comics, but cartoonier). But just before passing out, he manages to kick him hard in the knee and wishes him "good luck with your scholarship, jackass!" Auch! Nasty, but nice one, Quarry ;)

Title: 
Quarry is a bit manipulated, so his initial quarry is the wrong one. No worries, though, he makes things right at the end.

Cover: 
Another cool one by Max Phillips. It depicts a scene from the final shoot-out, and it's pretty accurate, although Mr. Phillips has allowed himself a bit of artistic freedom: Sally should be gagged by an SM kind of ball gag, and Quarry hadn't had time to draw his gun when he discovered her.

Cool lines:  
We were bonding now - he had said "shit" in front of me and everything.

"What do you mean, exactly... torture?"
I gave him few examples.
"Jesus Christ," he gasped.
"Actually, he did crucify a guy once. Priest who diddled a choir boy who was a mobster's nephew."

His face went white, or as white as the phony tan would allow.

Fifteen minutes passed and they couldn't have seemed longer at an art movie with no nude scenes.[The Coolest!]


"I can't argue with that. Wouldn't be the first time a shrewd killer got away with murder."
And I couldn't argue with that.

The First Quarry (Max Allan Collins, 2008)

Max Allan Collins takes us back to the early 70s on a ride with his anti-hero's debut assignment. Quarry is dispatched to some small college town in Iowa, where he's supposed to "take out" some asshole professor/writer working on a "non-fiction" book on Chicago's mobster. Two women are involved, and a gang war over the drug turf is taking place, so we know there will be plenty of sex and violence.

And since we are reading the Quarry book, we know it will be fun.

It moves forward rapidly, at times even too fast, as characters don't have time to fully evolve and breathe. Collins either drops them altogether (cute blonde at the very beginning) or Quarry simply kills them. There's this likeable private detective, Charlie, who brings few possibilities of mystery entanglement, but he too almost immediately ends up with an additional hole in his head, and storytelling goes back to linear mode. Which is cool, Quarry's novels are by their definition character driven, sometimes (like in this one) it's just too bad that the only character that drives them is Quarry and others are somehow neglected.

But, again, it's fun, especially after reading the initial few chapters and getting into the mood and into our protagonist's sense of humour. He's simply a cool guy and I'll give his first adventure an extra half point on account of how effectively he managed to finish this whole affair without "leaving any loose ends". Nice work indeed.

3.5/5

Facts:

Hero:
Quarry

Location:
Iowa City

Body count:

8

Dames: 
Dorothy "Dorrie" Byron, an asshole professor's abandoned wife and Annette Girard, artistic and slightly confused daughter of the mobster Lou Girardelli. Quarry fucks them both. Twice.

Blackouts: 

/

Title: 
Quarry's first assignment.

Cover:
Excellent one, done by Ken Laager. Liked its dark and sexy feel, and it's also very accurate - it depicts a scene from page 118. One small remark though - Quarry seems to be a bit lost in thoughts and uninterested, but in the book, he's actually horny as hell.

Cool lines:  
"I'm nothing to you but your 'girl' - I'm not a serious writer doing serious work!"
I wondered if a serious writer would use the word 'serious' twice in the same sentence.

She said, "I'm not in love with Professor Byron or anything. We're just good friends."
I could use a good friend who looked like her who would blow me.

[Before killing a guy]  He'd gone to the store. He had to eat, didn't he? Well, actually, he didn't, but he didn't know that.

"Do I look like I was born the fuck yesterday?"
For all the gunk on his hair, he might have been born the fuck a few seconds ago.[The Coolest!]

Seduction of the Innocent (Max Allan Collins, 2013)

Conclusion of Collins' Jack Star comic book trilogy. This time around, dark clouds are gathering over this unworthy business as an intense congressional campaign against the publishers of these books takes place. Dr. Werner Frederick is one of its leaders, so this whole witch hunt gets a whole new dimension when he is killed. Sinister shadow of suspicion falls on various publishers and artists. It's up to Jack Star to clear their names and, of course, save the face of the whole industry so it can continue to seduce and corrupt our precious innocent children.

Hard to do this one justice. As a crime/mystery novel, it more or less sucks. It starts okay, but soon I got fed up with its easy and humorous (well, kind of) style. Characters are interesting and offbeat enough (guy with a monkey in his office!), as it only becomes a book with a background in the comics industry. There are also numerous references to the comics industry (artists, publishers, distributors, events), which are cool enough but don't really help the story itself take off. When it finally does, it gets more readable (introduction of mobsters works quite well, I thought), but it's all fucked up with the horrible ending. Agatha Christie kind of climax where all the suspects are assembled in the same room and our hero reveals the fucking butler.

In fact, when I think about it, the whole setup is actually pretty good old Agatha-ish: crime in an unusual surroundings, strange murder with perpetrator doing some weird shit with ice to mess with the time of death, linear storyline with one or two characters introduced each chapter, etc. Maybe I don't get that latter thing, and I wouldn't be surprised if this structure is a homage to daily paper serials, but still, it was a bit too monotone. Also, Jack is an amateur detective, and he cracks the case simply by having a revelation (or, in comic books' jargon, a light bulb goes off over the character's head).

But on the other hand, and after having said all that, lots of things noted above work very well (just not as a whole) and give this book a special tone. Even though plotting is not its strongest side, the story is cool and unusual. And I did like the characters and all that crap about the 50s comics scene, and found most of the chapters preceding the illustrations adorable. Cool idea and welcome novelty indeed!  Collins, of course, is a master of dialogue (though strictly no fucks here!), smooth writing and fluent storytelling. A little resentment that I have (once again) is his totally childish depiction of women and sex. Jack is another one of his macho heroes to whom women throw themselves without much thinking. Perhaps in this case, it's somewhat justifiable, but still, phrases like "yes, she was a natural blonde" or "he was hung like a horse" sound somewhat immature and childish.

Don't know, really. It's a mixed bag. I expected it to be a cute silliness in the same vein as Deadly Beloved. I'm surprised it was published by Hard Case Crime in the first place because you won't find much hard-boiled action here, I'm afraid. It does manage to capture that pulpy feeling, but I still categorise it as a cosy crime, or, if we are a little mean, even put it in the young adult section. But let's not be mean - it is, after all, MAC's love letter to 50s comics and strip culture, which we all love.

3/5

Facts:

Hero:
Jack Starr, 33.  vice president of the Starr Syndicate. Troubleshooter, also registered P.I.

Location:
New York

Body count: 

2

Dames: 
Dr. Sylvia Winters, "Cross between Kim Novak and Grace Kelly." Layla Lamont, gifted, beautiful and wild cartoonist.

Blackouts: 
Jack passes out twice, but has a peculiar way of doing so. Not very convincing, to say the least, because he drops out after all the action's already finished. This gets even more peculiar (not to say ridiculous) the second time around because (1) he's beaten for a whole minute by two "professional" thugs. He then manages to (2) free himself, (3) beat the living shit out of both those assholes and their boss, (4) drive home and then pass out in the elevator on his way up to his apartment.

Title: 
Comic books seduce innocent children, and they must be stopped!

Cover:
Terrific once again, as we would expect from the maestro Glen Orbik. And it's actually 100% related to the story because it portrays the actual cover of one of the incriminated "Suspense Crime Stories" comic books. And it gets even better because in the prologue, Layla is pushed to her death from the 14th-story window. But needs to be said that the book offers even better material for its cover. I'm talking, of course, about the first fight between Jack and Pine on the staircase while naked Layla is watching them. Just imagine the possibilities! Maybe next edition...

Cool lines:  
He looked like a twelve-year-old who'd just been told the facts of life and was appalled yet intrigued.

"I remember you, Mr. Starr," she said, with a faint smile, as if she were recalling the long-ago day when she still could stand men.[The Coolest!]

Quarry's Ex (Max Allan Collins, 2011)

My favourite Quarry so far, without a doubt. Not as violent (or dumb) as The Last Quarry and even more suspenseful and overall entertaining than Quarry in the Middle.

This time around, our anti-hero hit-man of hit-men operates on the location of the B-movie shooting set. Show business related crime novels are usually good fun and since this exploitation flick is titled Hard Wheels 2 we can expect lots of weird characters. Its main star is a former Playmate of the Year who is also a mistress of the mobster who financially backs the movie (=executive producer). This guy also fucks another member of the cast, but lovely bunny is not too concerned with that because she's fucking the director (and also gives our hero a quick blowjob). The male star is gay (queer as a three-dollar bill), and there are some suspicious extras/bodyguards, bikers, and of course, the creative duo of producer and director.

Quarry is hired to protect the director, but his assignment becomes a bit unusual when he discovers that his ex-wife is now married to this guy and that she also stars in the movie. And this is the first cool trick that Collins pulls because we all know that coincidences don't just happen, at least not in pulp novels. There must be a connection, right?

The action is good, and the violence is more than decent (and even funny at times). This one, too - like Deadly Beloved - is driven by great dialogue and would make a terrific comic book or movie adaptation. Just imagine a scene where Quarry gets a blowjob and afterwards the girl apologises for spitting his cum and not swallowing it - "You don't think I keep my figure not watching my calories, do you?". I know, I know. It's a bit silly macho crap, but what the hell - it's still a good, harmless laugh.

But here we also get a solid plot that thickens slowly and nicely. The author knows exactly what he's doing and where he is going. Quarry is no detective (hell, he doesn't even pretend to be one!) and doesn't go around interviewing people. Still, he efficiently solves the second part of his job (finding out who ordered the hit) using a simple process of elimination. The ending is good and surprising in more than one way. Double indemnity will be the name of the game, but I won't reveal how Quarry will manage to deal with his ex. Get the book and find out for yourself. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

4/5

Facts:

Hero:
Quarry, using the name Jack Reynolds

Location: 
80s, in a small town, Boot Hill, sixty miles south of Las Vegas, Nevada. However, since we are accustomed to Quarry being elusive and secretive, it's not surprising that this location cannot be found on Google Maps.

Body count: 
4 + another one from the past, not related to this story

Dames: 
His ex, Joni, and Miss Tiffany Goodwin.

Blackouts: 

/

Title: 
It's okay, although his ex is not really the central character. Maybe something like "Quarry goes to Movies" would be better.

Cover: 
Really cool and dark one. Loved those colours. Illustration is copyrighted by Gregory Manchess, and it's accurate enough, as there's a scene where Joni is swimming in the pool and Quarry comes over with a gun. But she's not naked; "her bikini tonight a red skimpy thing"

Cool lines:  
"Will there be nude scenes?" 
"Frequently. She was not hired because she gets mistaken for Meryl Streep"
"Jim, you and I know the number of Playmates of the year who have gone on to star in films can be counted on one hand and maybe a dick. What makes Miss Goodwin special?" 

I skipped lunch. It's not that killing some fuck freaked me out or anything, but neither did I work up an appetite.[The Coolest!]


The producer looked exhausted, maybe from having to deliver that speech about the choice of Tiffany being artistic and commercial.

He was on my left, the .38 in his right hand. and was aiming his dick with his left. Ambidextrous pisser, Jake was.  [The Coolest!]

Deadly Beloved (Max Allan Collins, 2007)

Mrs Tree runs a detective agency, which she inherited after her husband was killed on their wedding night. She used to employ two assistants, but one had left to conduct some private investigation. So she gets an assignment by her lawyer associate to help some rich guy's wife who had killed the cheating bastard when she caught him with a hooker. A cop-friend of hers hints that this might look like a job of the mysterious Event Fixer - a highly skilled and professional hit-man who specialises in fixing "accidents". He's usually employed by the sinister mob family Muertas, who is also responsible for the premature demise of Mr Tree. What else? Oh, yeah - Mrs Tree got over her hubby's death and she is now fucking his friend Chic Steel. She also has to attend psychiatric sessions to recover from the stress she had suffered when she killed some bad guys...

So lots of stuff is going on in this little, less than 200-page pulp. So much, in fact, that sometimes I got the impression that Collins was in such a hurry to complete it that he forgot to develop his characters and, even more importantly, build some decent atmosphere. Its pace is too fast, maybe because Mrs Tree is a comic book character, and Collins tried to preserve the spirit of a graphic novel. Whatever that's supposed to be...

A few things stand out, both good and not so good. The ending should be better, more developed. The final twist is truly surprising; there's no way to see it coming. But that's simply because it is so far-fetched and totally unbelievable. It seems like Collins wanted to wrap everything up and get it over with. And the thing I liked was the narration. The story is told partly in real time and partly in flashbacks while she's on the shrink's couch. These passages are executed very elegantly and help build suspense. Very skillfully and very comic book-ish indeed.

Nice and entertaining, but - will all due respect to MAC - a bit too childish for my taste.

2.5/5

Facts:

Hero:
Mrs Tree

Location:
Chicago

Body count: 
7 (one guy is actually killed twice; first time just in dreams!)

Dames:
Besides our hero, there's also a victim, Marcy Addwater, and a beautiful and dangerous leader of the mob, Dominique Muertas. She's definitely underused!!

Cover:
Pretty cool. Her facial expression could be better, but I like those dark blue colours - very noir-ish! Illustrated by Terry Beatty, an artist who collaborated with Collins on comic book serials. Although it needs to be said that it is not very accurate: Mrs Tree does indeed wear her signature trench coat most of the time, but not at the end when she confronts the bad guy with a pistol in her bed. At that particular point, she wore "the top of a pair of black silk men's pajamas".

Cool lines: 
Lots and lots of pretty stupid but still hilarious dialogues. Another proof that this would make it a better comic book than a novel. I can just imagine these wisecracks lettered in balloons!

"You must be the little woman." 
"You must be the dead whore"  [The Coolest!]

"My client is an innocent woman." 
"Aren't all your clients innocent? Until proven broke?" 
"That's unkind."
Notice he didn't say "unfair."

"I was hoping." I said slowly, politely, "to talk to Mrs. Hazen."
He grunted a laugh. "I was hopin' for a ten-inch dick."
I smiled pleasantly. "Aren't we all? You're...?"

That's what I like about being 21st Century P.I. Ten years ago, shoe leather. Today - Google.

The Big Bang (Mickey Spillane & Max Allan Collins, written in mid 60s, finished and published 2010)

Ok, I know I’ve bitched about Spillane, but still, I couldn’t resist buying The Big Bang. At the local bookstore, they were selling it for next to nothing, and I decided to try it out since this is a Mike Hammer novel and not some sissy old-aged Jack Stang crap.

Big Bang starts with some big fucking bangs, alright! Hammer springs into action no sooner than in the second paragraph (!!!) by smashing the guy “into a bloody mess“! His buddy gets it even worse: “I broke billy boy’s arm between the wrist and elbow, took half his teeth out, snapped his jaw loose from its hinges, and send the bastard’s balls on a trip…” And all he could think of was “..what the hell these chintzy little shits thought … taking on an old tiger.“

So, in case we have forgotten about Mike Hammer by some miracle, we are immediately back on track. Pace of course steadies a bit (could it possibly go faster and more violent after such an opening!?) and leaves space for the story to develop. In this one, we are dealing with drugs. There’s some big fuck-up happening in New York, and the streets are bone dry. Junkies are climbing walls, and for the last six months, supplies have been provided in small quantities. Mafia (Evello family, also Syndicate) is puzzled and pissed off about their shipments getting intercepted by police, and there’s a new gang led by the guy named Snowbird trying to take over their turf. And in the meantime, they are all just waiting for the Big Bang - super shipment coming from Europe.

Hammer has just returned to the city, and all he wants is to chill (cool his heels) and smoke his Luckies when he gets pulled into this mess. To understand his actions (and reactions), we need to examine his attitude towards drugs. I think the best way to do that is to let the main man explain it himself:

• Human garbage – these fucking drug-heads are all the same, scumbags, all of ‘em, and the gutter’s too good for them.
• It’s the plague – and the best way to deal with a plague is to wipe out as many rats as possible.

So it’s no surprise that he starts a war against anyone and everyone. And bloody war this will be, by the time he’s finished, the body count will rise into two-digit numbers. In the process, he’ll avoid police (“Fuck them!”) and get an unlikely ally in a colleague professor whose personal loss made his attitude towards drugs even less tolerable (!!!?) than his. Plus, of course, he’ll fuck a girl or two because – to use his words again – “I was just a human”.

This stuff leaves you speechless; it’s too brutal even for Spillane. It’s probably the best possible cheap pulp fiction on the market, and once I got over the initial shock, I had actually started to enjoy this insanity. I mean, the plot is tight and the writing is good, but there’s just nothing holding it back in its political incorrectness. Okay, we were used to Hammers contempt of law, his macho misogynistic persona, mocking of homosexuals, vegetarians, pacifists, communists, hippies, etc, but here everything goes into the tenth degree. Novel is too (or should I say still) extreme even in this day and age, and I doubt very much that any of the contemporary writers would go that far in creating such a conservative asshole main protagonist. I wonder whether Spillane (or his publisher) was aware of all that in the 60s when he wrote it, and had maybe abandoned it for these reasons.

Unique stuff. Was and still is.

3/5

Facts:

Hero: 
Mike Hammer, PI

Location: 
New York

Body count: 
Thousands! Hammer lets the poisoned heroin be distributed on the streets so “Thousands would die. And their friends and families would be so consumed by rage that they would rise up as one and they would take down the Maffia. Hit the Maffia, kill them all.” 

There are 14 "individual" killings (only two of them not committed by our Mikey boy). Let’s see a few of the more graphic ones:

•  His Colt left one eyeball plastered to his cheek to  dangle there
•  .45 slug entered his right temple, splattering blood and brains onto the dead driver
• .45 slug angled through his open, yelling mouth and up through the roof of his bald head, bursting it in bloody chunks like a target-range melon
• Shotgun blast, which took her head off her shoulders and some of her shoulders too
• Shotgun went off, shearing off the front of his face and leaving him a ghastly wet mask and still alive enough to scream until I leaned out and shattered his skull with a .45 slug and put him out of his misery. 

Yep, it is indeed - like his pal Pat Chambers has concluded - worst mob bloodbath since St. Valentine’s Day!

Dames:
His secretary/lover, Velda Sterling, of course, is holding down the fort while he’s out chasing Indians. Shirley Vought, a society girl who has chosen to associate with the wrong crowd.

Cover: 
Pretty generic but still cool.

Blackouts: 
Surprisingly, there are two of them. The first one is described just briefly, “I was clawing for the .45 when the chloroform found my face, and my last memory was them dragging me.” The second is much better. He’s drugged by LSD, and the description is much better. Hammer sees some collage pictures of Buster Keaton, Guadalcanal, Woody Woodpecker, Lana Turner and Adolf Hitler. 

Cool lines:
She had a tuna salad sandwich. She didn’t eat meat, she said. That would be news to the tuna.[The Coolest!]

She nodded and gave me a look that made the need-anything-just-whistle one Bacall gave Bogie seem like kid stuff. 

She began by falling to her knees to worship the part of me that seemed to be in charge.

“What kind of condition is he in?” 
“Cold,” Pat said. 
“The kind of cold you get when they file you away in a drawer at the morgue.”

I’ll start with re-breaking your goddamn leg, then see where inspiration takes me.[The Coolest!]